


Phantom Pain Syndrome

by bexara



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-05
Updated: 2012-11-05
Packaged: 2017-11-18 01:38:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/555449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bexara/pseuds/bexara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Losing Kuroko was like losing a piece of his soul. All internal Aomine angst over losing/pushing away Kuroko.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Phantom Pain Syndrome

They say people who lose an arm or a leg still feel sensations, even pain, in that "phantom limb" long after their loss. Aomine isn't missing any appendages, but what he's lost cannot be compared to a single, meager body part. It is infinitely more precious, and thus its deprivation is endlessly more agonizing. The other half of his fucking soul is gone. His perfect partner. The shadow to his light. Kuroko Tetsuya.  _Tetsu_. The former phantom player of Teiko middle school is now the phantom limb that continually pains and torments him.

 

How many times does he turn now, reaching for a pass that never comes? How often does a joke spring to his lips, only for him to realize there's no one there to share it with? How frequently will his fingers search for the cool, dry hand that is no longer by his side? Yet, Aomine still finds himself repeating these hopeless, foolish habits. As if by some miracle there will be one, time-stopping moment when the pass  _will_  come or a gentle laugh  _will_  reach his ears or a small but strong hand  _will_  slip into his own. And when it never does, the pain and bitterness of disappointment coil around his insides like a hissing, spitting snake; poisoning and infecting him until he's lashing out at everyone around him, wanting them to suffer and hurt and bleed as he does.

 

It's his own failings, his own arrogance that leads him to this miserable condition. He is the evil butcher who performed the soul-mutilating amputation on his own self. He can remember it with perfect, regretful clarity. The disgust he feels at those who face him and give up without trying. The anger at his own body for somehow surpassing the limits of normal human possibilities. The beginning of his dislike for basketball itself, and the terrible grief accompanying that revelation. He begins to change, drawing away from everything, but Tetsu, always Tetsu, brings him back out with that unwavering belief, kindness, and  _love_  for both basketball and Aomine. 

 

But, the darkness keeps building. Finally, it all coalesces, reaches a boiling point at that one, fateful game. And he breaks, shatters into a million fractured fragments until the old Aomine Daiki no longer exists. A desperate, pleading hand stretches toward him, tries to save him. That soft, steady voice he has come to cherish calls him, tries to pull him back again. " _Aomine-kun._ " But, Tetsu’s voice no longer reaches him as his broken pieces reassemble into something else, something dark, cold, and brutal. His ears cannot hear. His eyes cannot see. He is hard and brittle, yet oh so terribly empty.

 

It’s only later, when Tetsu disappears; when he unconsciously starts looking for those winter blue eyes in the face of every stranger who crosses his path; when he wakes up drenched in his own sweat, “ _Aomine-kun,_ ” echoing through his head and the softly whispered word wears Kuroko’s sad, gentle voice; it is only  _then_  he begins to understand what he’s done, what he’s lost. Even if he still doesn’t think he’s wrong, not about the basketball. He starts to think he should have handled it a different way. He knows he shouldn’t have turned his back on Tetsu, not with such callousness. But, it’s too late. Tetsu is gone, and Aomine can’t even apologize.

 

He tries to forget. He goes to a new school, though Satsuki follows him like always. He has a new team, but he doesn’t bother getting to know them. Aomine just eats and sleeps and finds ways to pass the time with girlie mags and other meaningless pursuits. The days when he used to smile and laugh and simply enjoy living are a hazy memory. The only sharp, vivid image from that time is Tetsu. Tetsu eating an ice cream. Tetsu practicing his passes over and over until his fingers are raw and bleeding. Tetsu shyly kissing him for the first time when they are tired, sweating, and the entire team is just on the other side of the lockers. Tetsu smiling sleepily at him, moon-kissed hair fanned out on his pillow, pale skin red and marked in places from his fingers but glowing with happiness.  _Tetsu_.

 

So, he does the minimum needed in everything: life, school, basketball (though he still outscores everyone). Then, at night, in the darkened confines of his lonely bed, he dreams of two things. A rival he can face equally at full strength on the court. And, Tetsu smiling at him again while calling his name so sweetly,  _“Aomine-kun.”_  The dreams are tormenting and bittersweet, for believes they will never come true. Aomine is wrong on both counts, he just doesn’t know it yet.


End file.
